Family
Following on from Smilin Joe's blog about family, it got me thinking.
Nick and I, although we're still not sure whether or not we definitely want kids, we do have very definite ideas about the way that we want to raise them (although he did surprise me last night by telling me that he's warming to the idea - not good, as I seem to have hit a broody patch again - must be all these babies being born!).
Admittedly, most of my basis for child rearing and the childhood I want for them comes from movies, but this doesn't mean it can't happen, right?
I want the close family with gentle ribbing that comes from years of being close that can be seen in movies such as "Dan in Real Life", and "The Family Stone". I want a family that comes together for crises, like the one in "Brothers & Sisters".
I want the children to grow up with traditions, like having matching family jumpers for Christmas (I forget the film this features in), or the bickering closeness seen in "While You Were Sleeping".
I want the Summer holidays in caravan parks through Europe that Nick grew up with, and I want to be able to send my kids to American Summer Camps like in "The Parent Trap" so that they can make friends with people in other countries.
I want family movie night, where we make homemade (low fat!) pizza together, and have a big bucket of popcorn.
What I don't want?
To see my kids, not even teenagers, hanging around the bus stop smoking. I don't want to see my kids morph into every one of their "friends", under pressure to conform. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that they don't have to respect their homes, their environments, their teachers and their elders.
I am scared that by trying to control them this much, I will screw them up in many other different, and colourful ways.
I am terrified at the thought of having to care for another being 24 hours a day.
I am petrified when I even start to think about the actual process of giving birth, even though so many of you have been through it, had different experiences, but ultimately lived to tell the tale, and tell us that it is worth it.
I think that when we do make the decision, we will have to put our practical heads aside, and just dive in, and have faith that it will all work out.
Comments
Your last sentence says it all - there's no way you can plan what teenagers will turn out like.
Even teenagers who smoke at bus stops and wear stupid clothes turn out OK in the end. It's all part of growing up.
Not at all - it's just that Nick and I are both ultra-organised. I think that's the problem. We think too much, and that's what puts us off. I think that there is a large degree of winging it needed!
There are certain things which I have seen in others that work really well - getting the baby into a routine as early on as possible though, oh, and not leaving potty training too late - my sister's having a nightmare with her 3 year old.
I guess I'm lucky in that we have a lot of friends and we're learning bits of what to do and what not to do from them. I think we just have to stop thinking so much!
I don't know how you instil closeness in families. Mine isn't particularly close - when my grandad's brother came over from Australia to visit London, after many, many years, my grandad couldn't be bothered to go down from Leeds to see him, which sort of sets the tone for all of us. But, on the other hand, I suddenly became good friends with one of my brothers a couple of years ago, so maybe it just happens spontaneously.
I wouldn't send your children to camp though - I have nothing but bad memories of it, although I'm sure it's fine for the small minority who had the right shoes and put out.
I don't know how you can instil closeness either - my family would never be friends with each other if we were not related - we are all very different - but somehow we get on like a house on fire.
My sister and I are extremely close now, we played a lot together when we were little children but we fought like cat and dog in our teens, couldn't stand the sight of each other. I don't know why relationships change like this. I don't think anything our parents did had much impact on it one way or the other.
You're right... I am a firm believer in parents being parents and children being children - I don't want to be my kids' best friend, but I am so worried that they will hate me.
I think it hurts my parents that us as siblings aren't as close as they would like, and that we're not as interested in being friends with our cousins etc. However, they brought us up to be independent, so I guess you can't have it both ways!
Then again, I have heard of people who are incredibly close to their parents and siblings, and it has meant that they have had difficulty forming relationships with partners etc. as no one ever lives up to the bond they have with family.
You can't win, can you?! There is no right and wrong answer. I think that's what scares me the most, the lack of apparent control over these things!
I haven't got to the teenage bit yet. I am quite looking forward to it. I am sure they will drive me nuts but I was scared about toddlers and they were okay. I figure teenagers are a similar breed - you just have to deal with them with love and understanding.
Wow I can waffle! I am not so sure my kids would do the matching jumper thing. We do the pizza thing and a games night which is fun.
Just learn to say sorry when you get it wrong and give them plenty of love - easy!
The fact that you care enough to worry is a good sign!!
Everyone's right, and you're all speaking from experience, which is great advice to have, and I appreciate the way everyone has been so honest about their good/bad experiences.
Do you ever feel a little lost though? I mean, like you lose a part of your identity? My cousin and my sister have both said that people don't come to see them anymore, they come to see the kids....
Kate - that's so true - we have friends who can ONLY talk about their kids, or won't do certain things because of the kids - I don't want to be one of those mums (although I think a certain degree of it is inevitable), but then equally I have friends who are the opposite.
I think we've spent a good few years learning what we do and don't want.... whether or not it's possible to stick to that, I don't know!